Today’s important news headlines in the form of anagram …

“I am now unhurried as brutalizes”

= UN halts Burma aid in seizure row

“That whale-like subverter boozes”

= Hezbollah takes over west Beirut

“Joy! Scold proud zestful G-string”

= Judge prolongs Fritzl’s custody

“Green Patrol apparent stinkpot. And so spoofing”

= Pentagon Drops Post in Pakistan for Top General

“A vast crook or elaborate apeman? Icy or TV?”

= “Race Over or Not, Obama Takes a Victory Lap”

“Mean idea man … shrewd angels”*

Thanks a lot to Stearnest Meanings for doing all the work for me …

Your suggestions, as always, very welcome …

*anagrammed news headlines

Realising that “smacked up my donkey” returned zero Google results, Eurojism decided it had to become nr. 1 at something. So here goes with a list of statistically improbably phrases which will see advertising revenue for obscure word combinations go through the roof. All of the below phrases (with inverted commas) result in ZERO Google search results.

Who would have thought we could have so much fun in one day?

“smacked up my donkey”

There was actually one result for “smacked my donkey“. Only one. Can you believe that? Guess that people smacking up their donkeys don’t spend a lot of time on the internet.

“snorted strawberry juice”

Purely autobiographical this one. Some kid bet me that I wouldn’t snort strawberry juice. So I did. I snorted strawberry juice. That’s a story for another time.

“dusted his index finger”

“smelled like wet cake”

“recounted his feet”

“vowed never to darn again“, “creeping about in his eye“, “hemorrhoids are tasty“, “trickled like spunk” … etc etc bored now Dad can I go and play?

That’s all for now! Your suggestions welcome, as always, in the comments section!

How long has it been since you last had some “cyber”? Perhaps you’re feeling out of practice? Never fear! Eurojism is here to show you how to have great, safe time on the internet chat room with this handy cut-out-and-keep guide.

Below are some stock phrases that you should use when asked to join in on some “sexy-time”:

• I’m rubbing brasso all over my donkey hole.
• I’m having a crap as I write this.
• I’ve got three fingers stuck in an open wound on my left thigh and I’m snorting a mixture of petrol and sherbert.
• I’ve sunk three Viagra and half a bottle of washing up liquid. I’m puking bubbles etc etc …
• My Filipina nurse has left the kitchen door open and there’s a sexy draught.
• Do you speak to your mother with those fingers?
• How much for ten-minutes standing up?
• My armpit has never been so smooth … or RADIANT!
• Mmm … lick my teeth. No, not the incisor, the molar.
• I have a small mole on my cock. Can you call pest control?

There we go! Have a fun sexy and SAFE time! I’d love to hear your suggestions! Leave them in the comments below …

Tarata for now!

The Four Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss changed my life. I outsourced everything to a Virtual Assistant, Raj, in India.

Raj has read the book as well. He’s a lazy pikey eejit. He works no more than four hours in a week. Ever.

This is an honest-to-god-not-making this up Skype exchange between me and him from yesterday:

VA says: whats up man
VA says: wish i would b woking with your”l over there
VA says: but i can work like this remotely till the end in your company
VA says: Hi gOOd mOOring U sEE 2dAY mACTH Mumbai indain v/s Herabad
Eurojism says: cricket?
VA says: 2DAY IS DLF Indian Premier League MACTH BEWT MUMBAI INDIAN AND HADABAD
EJ says: cricket?
VA says: YES
VA says: DO U PLAY CRICKET?
EJ says: I am the best spin bowler in Belgium
VA says: OO U R NOT WACTING THE MACTH 2DAY DLF IT NOT BEWT THE COUNTRYS BUT ALL THE PLAYERS AROUND THE WORLD R PLAYING
VA says: lESLEY IS UR SNAME
VA says: IT”S FIRST NAME & ITS GIRLS
VA says: U DONT ENJOY WORKING
VA says: IF U ENJOY WORKING THEN ONLY U ENJOY EVRYDAY N U FELLING LIKE COMEING 2 WORK EVERYDAY EXPECT SAT SUNDAY
VA says: PUT SOME MUSIC N WORK PLAY IT SLOW
VA says: HAAA
VA says: Doctor, doctor, please kiss me,” says the patient.
VA says: “No, I’m sorry, that would be against the code of ethics,” says the doctor.
VA says: Ten minutes later the patient says: “Doctor, please, kiss me just once.”
VA says: No, I’m sorry, I just can’t” he says.
VA says: Five minutes later, she asks again: “Please, please kiss me!”
VA says: “Look,” says the doctor, “it’s out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be f***ing you.
VA says: why do women have legs?
VA says: have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!??
VA says: What does a woman of 40 have between her breasts that a woman of 20doesn’t?
VA says: I NO U WANT ANS
VA says: IT”S A belly-button!
VA says: want 2 see macth
VA says: is started

Then he went home. My tax returns didn’t get done and I was ten dollars poorer.

There’s a lesson in there somewhere …

A poem by Bebop McCluskey, aged 27.42

Richard Quest, my favourite anchor
Turned out to be a bit of a wanker
But I forgive you, it’s not nice
To be victimized ‘cos you liked your ice.

You had a rope tied round your cock
And round your neck, but what bad luck
To be caught in a park when it was closed
Bet you wish you’d stayed at home.

Richard Quest, you made my day
So much better, in your own gay way
You were flamboyant, but never too cool
Like the geek in the corner when I was at school.

Richard Quest, can you lend me some money?
I want to go whoring and need some drugs.

So there we go! That’s all from Bebop McCluskey this week!

Just remember, in the words of Richard Quest himself “let’s face it a visit to NY is always electric. I can hear the NY Tourism people almost clapping with joy.”

Going on holiday to Germany? Perhaps a weekend in Neu-schwanz-stein? Or the Oktoberfest in Munich? You don’t speak a word of German and afraid you might inadvertently end up at a bottom slapping party or one of their crazy book-burnings?

Eurojism is a BIG FAN of  Miss Verständnis, she is one HOT Antipodean. Boy, would we like to play hide the schnitzel with her! You’ll probably want to as well, so let’s crack on …

Don’t speak a word of Deutsch? Never fear! Eurojism is here with a helpful guide to speaking German like a native …

In the hotel

Can you sort me out with a hooker, dear concierge?
Ich will ein Frau für Fucken, bitte.

I shat all over my bedsheets.
Ich shatte alle über meine BettShitten, bitte.

She was dead when I got here.
Sie war Deaden wann ich Angekommen hier, mein Hair.

At the train station

Where might I procure a gypsy child as a domestic employee? Are they cheaper than at home?
Wo kann Ich ein Gypsy Kind kaufen, bitte? Sind Sie billiger als back Hause?

One way to Auschwitz please.
Mazel Tov, bitte

Do I need an extra ticket for my sausage?
Muss ich ein Extraticket für mein Würst kaufen?

In the restaurant

My sausage was decidedly under-par, can I speak to the manager?
Mein Würst was Scheisse. Kann ich sprechen mit der Gauleiter?

Does the waitress do “special favours”?
Kann ich der Waitress fucken?

The bill, please.
Polizei, bitte.

And there we go! Tune in next week for “How to speak French in ten minutes”!

Bis bald!

If ever proof was needed that SICK and DEPRAVED children’s cartoons, games and toys turn sweet innocent young humans into SICK and DEPRAVED PERVERTS then it’s ME.

You heard it! I’m not ashamed to admit that a diet of Garbage Pail Kids and Grange Hill with its flying sausages had undesirable effects on me. I would have been a normal, decent human being if it hadn’t been for these culprits.

Instead, I now find myself living on the cusp of society, the VERY RIM. And why? Because I can’t tell the difference between RIGHT and WRONG! Because nobody ever showed me. Because my parents bought me up on a diet of television, starchy foods and chemical additives, with a pack of Garbage Pail Kids playing cards in my fanny pack.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, the Garbage Pail Kids are poisonous muck. Visit their site at your own risk. You have been warned.

Introducing “Doing Things”, because “Getting Things Done” is too complicated by three quarters.

Do you find the pressures of Getting Things Done too stressful?

Eurojism has the answer! Compare these two graphs.

The version on the left is “Getting Things Done“. Difficult, huh? No wonder we’re so bad at Getting Things Done if that’s the official way of doing stuff.

The much improved version on the left is “Doing Things” (patent pending) and it will revolutionize the way we do things.

Doing Things can be broken down into two simple steps, as outlined below. But I’m not going to let all the secrets go just yet! I’m preparing a 320-page book and some of you, even many of you, will be forking out up to 25 dollars to buy it.

The introduction of Doing Things will represent not only a paradigm shift in productivity and “getting-to-done” thinking, but it will boost sales of Moleskine notebooks and index cards higher than even during the last three years.

Eurojism is launching a Doing Things University where life coaches and professional trainers can polish their credentials. The book will be launched in the fall.

To be put on the mailing list, send an email to eurojism AT gmail DOT com. There’ll be plenty of franchising opportunities. Rumors abound that Lifehacker, Lifehack, LifeClever, LifeDev, Life Optimizer and The Growing Life will be running articles on this in the very near future.