Alan Sugar is back with a bunch of kids playing at being grown-ups and adhering to the age-old adage that people buy from people they find either slightly annoying, or downright unpleasant.

In the blogosphere:

His trusted sidekicks - the blessed Nick and Margaret - are already looking a little glum at the prospect of sharing so much time with this gaggle of egomaniacs - from Groves Media

I want to be remembered as the stylish one who wore sunglasses and a Saville Row three piece suit - from the BBC

Raef in particular decided to immediately stick his neck out in order to display to his fellow players that he was the peacock alpha-twat of the group - from Watch with Mothers

Every single one of the candidates is a fool - from Kawedashti.com

Did the contestants look out of plaice? Will the competition prove a bream come true? - from Tutor2U.net

the only thing I want to know is whether or not team leader Alex Wotherspoon is Jason Orange’s long lost brother? - from Unreality TV

I will watch the coming exploitative, lowest common denominator, ill-informed series for research reasons only - from the Social Work Blog

Peacock Alpha Twat indeed.

When you’re wetting your whistle at the Dog and Duck and it’s time to come up with some entertainment to distract you from Kevin, who’s getting frisky with the fruit machine, it’s time to become QUIZMASTER!

This week’s questions have come from the Tuesday night QUIZTACULAR Old Soak in Sopworth!

Part 1 - Television

Q. In Eastenders, what is the name of the woman with the big hair?
A. Pat, or Peggy. Dawn? Jennifer.

Q. What is the Question of Sport?
A. Whether there is ethical doping. Or who won the cup?

Q. In the famous television drama cum sitcom “Gavin and Stacey”, what are the names of the two protagonists?
A. What is a protagonist?

Q. Name one television miniseries that is based on classical literature.
A. (Answers may be any of the following: Flying Doctors, All Creatures Great and Small, Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em or Spooks.)

Q. Blue Peter is the name of a popular children’s television show?
A. Correct.

Continue Reading »
Wednesday Pub Quiz!

Starbucks has been ordered to pay ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS in tips to its staff. The story, a EUROJISM EXCLUSIVE via the BBC is this week’s BREAKING NEWS.

It reminds me of the time I slipped an escort a tip of $500. I wouldn’t have minded, only later in the evening she slipped me a Mickey Finn and took off with my credit card, racking up debts of over $6000 dollars on crack cocaine and soft furnishings. I never knew you could buy crack with a credit card.

I used to work as a barman and would regularly supplement my meagre income with healthy tips. The best tippers were the old men who got so drunk they’d fall asleep at the bar, allowing us to rifle through their pockets and take whatever they had. On a good night we could be up a few hundred. And that’s before we raided the till at the end of the night. Not ringing in drinks could be profitable as well.

I always tip. I only regret the time I tried to tip a policeman to forget a little misdemeanour. That got me five months. No use for tips in the slammer. The currency inside is cigarettes and blow-jobs.

The moral of this story? Don’t drink coffee in Starbucks!

Until next time! Happy Easter!

We all know the feeling, right? It’s pub quiz night, it’s our turn to host and we haven’t had the time to research new questions. You know the real-ale brigade will judge you harshly if you fail to impress. But NEVER FEAR! Eurojism is happy to start a regular series on Pub Quizzez: Your Own Handy Cheat-Sheet. Here’s this week’s submissions. Just print out and put in your pocket. Answers are provided below the questions for ease of reference.

Part 1. History

Q. How many wives did Henry VIII have?
A. Five or six?

Q. Where was the battle of Hastings?
A. In a field near Hastings.

Q. Who discovered America?
A. President Nixon?

Q. In which year did man first land on the moon?
A. Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong.

Q. Who killed Martin Luther King?
A. Hatred and prejudice and a gun.

Continue Reading »
The world’s greatest pub quiz!

Today, tomorrow, and the day after that, here in Brussels, in Ireland, and in various other locations (including America and Australia, probably not in Pakistan, but you never know), people will be celebrating St. Patrick’s Day.

What a GREAT opportunity to expound on the history of St. Patrick’s Day.

St. Patrick was a Welshman called Patrick. He lived in Aberystwyth between 1864 and 1899.

He had a brother, Jonathan, and one day the two of them decided to go and steal some sheep.

Crime never pays, and the brothers got caught, both with two sheep under their arm. The town judge sentenced them both to be branded with the letters “ST” on their foreheads, so that everybody they met would know that they were “Sheep Thieves”.

Jonathan couldn’t live with the shame, so he moved house. But in his new town and/or village, the villagers were sure that ST meant “sheep thief” and he couldn’t settle. The same thing happened in the next town, and the town after that. Jonathan spent the rest of his life a wanderer, begging for scraps and smelling of wee.

His brother Patrick decided to devote his life to good causes, however, and set about putting right all the wrongs he had perpetrated, rather like “My Name is Earl”.

He moved to Ireland, opened their first low-cost airline, which proved to be a raging success, and entertained the leprechauns with incredible feats of drinking. The Irish are inherently Catholic, so they didn’t see ST to be a sign of a Sheep Thief, as they would in Wales, but rather the sign of a SAINT.

St. Patrick died a wealthy man with a slight alcohol problem. His children now run the airline and campaign against drink-driving. St. Patrick’s day is the one day that Ireland forgets the evils of booze and celebrates with a right knees up.

And there’s the story of St. Patrick.

Anybody for a Guinness?

It’s Friday afternoon and that melancholy feeling is welling over me again, a time for introspection and self-evaluation.

My mind often turns towards the various sexual encounters I have had with famous people over the past four decades. People like Dame Judi Dench, Paul Wolfowitz and Floella Benjamin.

Here’s my top five:

Kofi Annan - a gentle, considerate lover. Doesn’t like to go on top. Post-coital conversations revolve around important issues of world politics and nuclear disarmament. Well-hung.
Faria Alam - famous for being somebody else’s lover, surprisingly discrete. Details of our affair never hit the headlines. She did this wonderful thing where she hummed the theme tune to Match of the Day whilst slowly removing her socks. We didn’t last long. The pressures of tabloid attention got in the way.
Tracey Emin - if you look very carefully inside Tracey’s famous tent “Everyone I Have Ever Slept With”, you’ll see my name sewn into the inside seam. Tracey and I never got beyond the heavy-petting stage. A real tease.
Michael Fish - quite possibly the most selfish, chauvinistic and brutal lover I have ever known. Michael, famous for his colourful jumpers and inaccurate weather forecasts was like a sabre-toothed man-eating dominatrix between, on top of, and under the sheets.
Sarah, Duchess of York - what to say? Collar and cuffs. Knows her stuff. I couldn’t get enough. Hammer time!

Who are your favourite celebrity bunk-ups? Answers on a postcard to the usual address …

A reader writes:

“I was out shopping with my Mum in Kensington High Street and I felt somebody tugging insistently at my bag. When I looked carefully at the blonde girl, it was none other than Gemma Bissix, from BBC’s Eastenders! She took off it with it. I chased after her but she was far too quick and she got away with my whole bag, including its contents. I was gutted”

WHAT? GEMMA BISSIX, who plays Clare Bates in Eastenders and started her acting career at a young age? Has she already gone off the rails, so soon after refinding her feet in the less-than-murky world of popular BBC prime-time dramas?

It would seem that the sad answer is YES NO. Take a look at the CCTV image above, and tell me if I’m wrong …

Metropolitan Police were today unavailable for comment, but they did insist that they would take any accusations of theft, even by pretty girls, extremely seriously.

It’s a very sad day indeed when famous and loved soap-stars turn to petty crime to feed their appetite for cheap thrills.

Liechtenstein has had some bad press lately. It turns out the nation of foxes contained a rat and now the Germans are running scared. Along with the Russians. And possibly a Frenchman. The English are not bothered. They are not keen on foxes.

I was invited to advise the Crown Prince of Liechtenstein on new banking secrecy measures to protect the principality’s key assets. Although my recommendations are bound my a non-disclosure clause, I’ll be breaking no state secrets by mentioning the following highlights:

• All visitors to the country should be blindfolded and driven around in cars with darkened windows, taking circuitous routes to get between popular destinations
• All Liechtensteiners to be kept in a large box. Access to the outside world allowed only on Mondays and Thursdays, and then through the intermediary of the chief of the secret police, if he’s not off whoring.
• Access to bank accounts to be limited to East Europeans with firearm licenses and mustaches.
• Conversations should begin with the words “The weather is cool in Stalingrad at this time of year”. The correct answer to this statement is a state secret, kept in a safety deposit box in the vaults of the national bank. Any failure to provide a correct answer will result in immediate blood-testing to check for the presence of sauerkraut and beer.
• All bank accounts to be numbered instead of named, and all numbers should include at least sixty seven individual digits.

The Crown Prince was, I’m happy to say, keen to adopt my suggestions and has granted me franchising rights to an affiliate referral scheme. If you are interested in opening a bank account in the newly-once-again-secure state of Lichtenstein, get in touch at the usual address. All correspondence should be marked “Top Secret Bank Account Opening Request”.