Whilst researching my doctoral thesis on the disassociation of ambidextrous monozygotic siblings in the Third Reich, it occurred to me that there are very few sources available, online or otherwise, which offer a summary of the really important dates in European history.

I would therefore like to make the following proposals, subject to the caveat that these refer specifically to “Europe” in the geopolitical sense, and not the geographical or purely (God Help Us!) political:

1. March 16th,  1972
2. September 12th, 1648
3. The first week in August, 1921 and 1922
4. May 16th OR 17th, 1811

My apologies for length. I realise these may be a little controversial, so please don’t hesitate to get in touch: this should be a collaborative project.

Your comments?

Eastenders has been the backdrop to my childhood, adulthood and old age. Dirty Den, Nigel, Dot Cotton … the list is (almost) endless. There are others.

The greatest ten seven scenes from Eastenders of all time:

• When Jesse turns to Billy in the Queen Vic and says “Don’t be a pratt all your life”. This quick one-liner had me and my flatmate, Robin, laughing for literally three or four minutes. It was a special moment I won’t forget.
• When Dot quotes the Scriptures. I love Dot and I love the Scriptures! What a great combination! My favourite verse from the Bible is the bit that rhymes in Psalms. She does it so well. Always a special moment I’ll never forget.
• When Mo sells some dodgy goods and then has to go around Albert Square and various other locations in Walford to retrieve them, encountering assorted obstacles and difficulties along the way. My, how we (me, my mother and my aunt Dot (no relation)) laughed at the farcical and unlikely nature of the whole episode!
• When Ian Beale thinks he’s being chatted up by a gay man. It’s funny because it’s true! LOL! ROFL! OMFG!
• When Stacey married a ginger. It’s funny because it’s true! What a special moment! OMG HAHAHA!! POS!!
• When Frank screamed “I LOVE YOU PAT” into the pouring rain. It was especially poignant because I had forgotten my umbrella that day, like countless residents of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and former colonial territories and other international locations where Eastenders is broadcast. A clever piece of writing guaranteed to invoke empathy at the bathetic finale.
• When Charlene married Scott Robinson. And proved that the battle with serious illness can be won with make-up and a good editor.

What are your favourite moments? Discuss them in the comments. No prizes, though!

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In Poland, they eat rats and spiders. I know this because I once ate a cat kebab in a small market near the German town of Frankfurt-an-der-Oder, which in turn is very close to the Polish town near Frankfurt-an-der-Oder. It’s not such a great leap from cat to rat, no? Just one letter, in fact.

Next time you go to your local Polish supermarket, look carefully at the list of ingredients on the pre-stuffed cabbages. You might be (pleasantly) surprised.

The nutritional values of rats are well-documented. In addition to the health benefits, they are also considered an aphrodisiac. The same cannot be said of spiders. It’s generally felt that spiders add little to a dish, other than a slightly tangy flavour and crunch.

Malta have general elections this week.

There may be a new president. To be president of Malta is a prestigious appointment. In British terms this is a bit like being elected head of the Parents and Teachers Association of a large school in Manchester.

He will have four men to carry him from one side of the island to another. He will have somebody to clean his shoes and iron his shirts. His mother.

I would like to be the president of Malta.

IF all you have done is stand in the cold all night, looking menacing, not letting black kids in the front door, scowling and Fucking About, I AM NOT GOING TO PAY you for the luxury of leaving your club. I’ve already paid five times Zimbabwean inflation for a fucking vodka tonic and paid again each time I’ve wanted to go for a piss so YOU’RE not getting a greased palm for standing around with your bad attitude like a malevolent troglodyte door-monkey.