Realising that “smacked up my donkey” returned zero Google results, Eurojism decided it had to become nr. 1 at something. So here goes with a list of statistically improbably phrases which will see advertising revenue for obscure word combinations go through the roof. All of the below phrases (with inverted commas) result in ZERO Google search results.

Who would have thought we could have so much fun in one day?

“smacked up my donkey”

There was actually one result for “smacked my donkey“. Only one. Can you believe that? Guess that people smacking up their donkeys don’t spend a lot of time on the internet.

“snorted strawberry juice”

Purely autobiographical this one. Some kid bet me that I wouldn’t snort strawberry juice. So I did. I snorted strawberry juice. That’s a story for another time.

“dusted his index finger”

“smelled like wet cake”

“recounted his feet”

“vowed never to darn again“, “creeping about in his eye“, “hemorrhoids are tasty“, “trickled like spunk” … etc etc bored now Dad can I go and play?

That’s all for now! Your suggestions welcome, as always, in the comments section!

How long has it been since you last had some “cyber”? Perhaps you’re feeling out of practice? Never fear! Eurojism is here to show you how to have great, safe time on the internet chat room with this handy cut-out-and-keep guide.

Below are some stock phrases that you should use when asked to join in on some “sexy-time”:

• I’m rubbing brasso all over my donkey hole.
• I’m having a crap as I write this.
• I’ve got three fingers stuck in an open wound on my left thigh and I’m snorting a mixture of petrol and sherbert.
• I’ve sunk three Viagra and half a bottle of washing up liquid. I’m puking bubbles etc etc …
• My Filipina nurse has left the kitchen door open and there’s a sexy draught.
• Do you speak to your mother with those fingers?
• How much for ten-minutes standing up?
• My armpit has never been so smooth … or RADIANT!
• Mmm … lick my teeth. No, not the incisor, the molar.
• I have a small mole on my cock. Can you call pest control?

There we go! Have a fun sexy and SAFE time! I’d love to hear your suggestions! Leave them in the comments below …

Tarata for now!

The Four Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss changed my life. I outsourced everything to a Virtual Assistant, Raj, in India.

Raj has read the book as well. He’s a lazy pikey eejit. He works no more than four hours in a week. Ever.

This is an honest-to-god-not-making this up Skype exchange between me and him from yesterday:

VA says: whats up man
VA says: wish i would b woking with your”l over there
VA says: but i can work like this remotely till the end in your company
VA says: Hi gOOd mOOring U sEE 2dAY mACTH Mumbai indain v/s Herabad
Eurojism says: cricket?
VA says: 2DAY IS DLF Indian Premier League MACTH BEWT MUMBAI INDIAN AND HADABAD
EJ says: cricket?
VA says: YES
VA says: DO U PLAY CRICKET?
EJ says: I am the best spin bowler in Belgium
VA says: OO U R NOT WACTING THE MACTH 2DAY DLF IT NOT BEWT THE COUNTRYS BUT ALL THE PLAYERS AROUND THE WORLD R PLAYING
VA says: lESLEY IS UR SNAME
VA says: IT”S FIRST NAME & ITS GIRLS
VA says: U DONT ENJOY WORKING
VA says: IF U ENJOY WORKING THEN ONLY U ENJOY EVRYDAY N U FELLING LIKE COMEING 2 WORK EVERYDAY EXPECT SAT SUNDAY
VA says: PUT SOME MUSIC N WORK PLAY IT SLOW
VA says: HAAA
VA says: Doctor, doctor, please kiss me,” says the patient.
VA says: “No, I’m sorry, that would be against the code of ethics,” says the doctor.
VA says: Ten minutes later the patient says: “Doctor, please, kiss me just once.”
VA says: No, I’m sorry, I just can’t” he says.
VA says: Five minutes later, she asks again: “Please, please kiss me!”
VA says: “Look,” says the doctor, “it’s out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be f***ing you.
VA says: why do women have legs?
VA says: have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!??
VA says: What does a woman of 40 have between her breasts that a woman of 20doesn’t?
VA says: I NO U WANT ANS
VA says: IT”S A belly-button!
VA says: want 2 see macth
VA says: is started

Then he went home. My tax returns didn’t get done and I was ten dollars poorer.

There’s a lesson in there somewhere …

A poem by Bebop McCluskey, aged 27.42

Richard Quest, my favourite anchor
Turned out to be a bit of a wanker
But I forgive you, it’s not nice
To be victimized ‘cos you liked your ice.

You had a rope tied round your cock
And round your neck, but what bad luck
To be caught in a park when it was closed
Bet you wish you’d stayed at home.

Richard Quest, you made my day
So much better, in your own gay way
You were flamboyant, but never too cool
Like the geek in the corner when I was at school.

Richard Quest, can you lend me some money?
I want to go whoring and need some drugs.

So there we go! That’s all from Bebop McCluskey this week!

Just remember, in the words of Richard Quest himself “let’s face it a visit to NY is always electric. I can hear the NY Tourism people almost clapping with joy.”

Going on holiday to Germany? Perhaps a weekend in Neu-schwanz-stein? Or the Oktoberfest in Munich? You don’t speak a word of German and afraid you might inadvertently end up at a bottom slapping party or one of their crazy book-burnings?

Eurojism is a BIG FAN of  Miss Verständnis, she is one HOT Antipodean. Boy, would we like to play hide the schnitzel with her! You’ll probably want to as well, so let’s crack on …

Don’t speak a word of Deutsch? Never fear! Eurojism is here with a helpful guide to speaking German like a native …

In the hotel

Can you sort me out with a hooker, dear concierge?
Ich will ein Frau für Fucken, bitte.

I shat all over my bedsheets.
Ich shatte alle über meine BettShitten, bitte.

She was dead when I got here.
Sie war Deaden wann ich Angekommen hier, mein Hair.

At the train station

Where might I procure a gypsy child as a domestic employee? Are they cheaper than at home?
Wo kann Ich ein Gypsy Kind kaufen, bitte? Sind Sie billiger als back Hause?

One way to Auschwitz please.
Mazel Tov, bitte

Do I need an extra ticket for my sausage?
Muss ich ein Extraticket für mein Würst kaufen?

In the restaurant

My sausage was decidedly under-par, can I speak to the manager?
Mein Würst was Scheisse. Kann ich sprechen mit der Gauleiter?

Does the waitress do “special favours”?
Kann ich der Waitress fucken?

The bill, please.
Polizei, bitte.

And there we go! Tune in next week for “How to speak French in ten minutes”!

Bis bald!

If ever proof was needed that SICK and DEPRAVED children’s cartoons, games and toys turn sweet innocent young humans into SICK and DEPRAVED PERVERTS then it’s ME.

You heard it! I’m not ashamed to admit that a diet of Garbage Pail Kids and Grange Hill with its flying sausages had undesirable effects on me. I would have been a normal, decent human being if it hadn’t been for these culprits.

Instead, I now find myself living on the cusp of society, the VERY RIM. And why? Because I can’t tell the difference between RIGHT and WRONG! Because nobody ever showed me. Because my parents bought me up on a diet of television, starchy foods and chemical additives, with a pack of Garbage Pail Kids playing cards in my fanny pack.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, the Garbage Pail Kids are poisonous muck. Visit their site at your own risk. You have been warned.

Introducing “Doing Things”, because “Getting Things Done” is too complicated by three quarters.

Do you find the pressures of Getting Things Done too stressful?

Eurojism has the answer! Compare these two graphs.

The version on the left is “Getting Things Done“. Difficult, huh? No wonder we’re so bad at Getting Things Done if that’s the official way of doing stuff.

The much improved version on the left is “Doing Things” (patent pending) and it will revolutionize the way we do things.

Doing Things can be broken down into two simple steps, as outlined below. But I’m not going to let all the secrets go just yet! I’m preparing a 320-page book and some of you, even many of you, will be forking out up to 25 dollars to buy it.

The introduction of Doing Things will represent not only a paradigm shift in productivity and “getting-to-done” thinking, but it will boost sales of Moleskine notebooks and index cards higher than even during the last three years.

Eurojism is launching a Doing Things University where life coaches and professional trainers can polish their credentials. The book will be launched in the fall.

To be put on the mailing list, send an email to eurojism AT gmail DOT com. There’ll be plenty of franchising opportunities. Rumors abound that Lifehacker, Lifehack, LifeClever, LifeDev, Life Optimizer and The Growing Life will be running articles on this in the very near future.

Following the great success of our previous list to make lists, which got Stumbled, Dugg, Twittered (?) and Delicioused (???), time is nigh and high for the next in our Blogging 101 series: How to write a how-to post.

How-to articles are the vertebra of the internet, the backbone of the worldwide web and the exoskeleton of what’s inside them. But we all know how difficult it is to write a “how-to”.

Here are my five handy hints for all aspiring how-to authors:

1. Write about what you know. A certain level of expertise is required if you’re going to expound your ideas to the public. Six years of post-secondary education is the bare minimum. If you are the kind of person who wears jogging pants as casual wear, you don’t qualify, unless you’re writing “how to neglect your personal hygiene for idiots.”
2. Don’t assume any prior knowledge. Your reader is, most likely, not the sharpest spanner in the spanner-pot. You can pretty much take it for granted that whatever your level of knowledge (because you’ll all ignore point one above), they will know less than you. You’ve got to take it back to beginning, or you’ll be slapped with lawsuits when they get bitten trying to milk their dogs (there’s a knack, you know …)
3. Pictures are helpful. Diagrams are good not only for the illiterate, but they’re helpful for the bored, the lazy, the juvenile and the technically incompetent, not to mention the dyslexics. They can also make life easier on the eye. It is a truth universally acknowledged that most blog posts are read in under 20 seconds. Pictures make people hang around. Upskirt photos of celebrity beaver make people hang around even longer.
4. Post your “how-to” in the appropriate spot. Perhaps you have a “Web Blog” where you can post your how-to article. What a wonderful idea! Posting a “how-to” “article” on a “Web Blog” will attract visitors from “all” around the world. This is especially the case if you’re writing about something that people “all” around the “world” are interested in. “How to deal with parish politics”, “How to monitor equitable feudalism” and “How to do a Chinese Burn” are such topics that will have universal appeal. They must be published on an internet “Web Blog” that can be translated into at least three languages. OR IT WON’T EVER WORK. Another possibility is to write a letter to your local newspaper or the Economist. Ask for Dave.
5. Sit back and watch the money roll in! There are few jobs as satisfying as teaching, and writing “How-to” articles is an extension of that. It’s also incredibly well paid, especially if you can syndicate your material through an affiliate scheme or television program. Just remember me when you’re sipping your Mojito in Panama while a nubile young slut polishes your wand!

That’s all for now. Got any comments? Feel free to leave them below!

The Web loves lists! So do we! So does the Problogger himself.

But we know how difficult it can be get started on your first list. Taking the plunge can be difficult.

Never fear! We’re here to help! Keep this handy guide to making lists handy. You might even print it off and put it in your pocket!?

Top Ten How to Write a Top Ten Lists List

1. Count up or count down? Decide whether you’re going to count down from ten or up from one. If you have trouble, the numbers are in the following order: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Reverse them for a countdown. You’ll see that I’ve chosen to go up from one, but you can do whatever you like.
2. Choose some content. This will make or break your list. As the saying goes, “lists without content are little more than numbers”. Once you have written the numbers down, decide what you’re going to put next to them. Words? Pictures? Suggestions? Video? I would not advise numbers, unless it’s a list of say, telephone numbers.
3. That’s two decisions made already, so we can move directly onto number four.
4. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Making a list isn’t the be-all and end-all. Sure, there are lots of really successful list-makers out there, but some of them don’t sleep, or have strained relationships with their partners. I know of one famous list-maker who hasn’t seen his children for four years. Remember: everything in moderation.
5. Is your list useful? Today’s internet users are a savvy lot. Is your list going to be useful? Or at least distracting. My golden rule of thumb is the following: “If you can’t eat it, wash with it, sell it, buy it, train it or find it, it’s just not worth making into a list.” How-To guides are very trendy at the moment. But everything comes in and out of fashion. Remember when we used to dance to Gary Glitter.
6. Who is your target audience? Examples of audiences include warm audiences, cold audiences, audiences that are eager to learn and audiences that know it all. Are you playing to a stadium or a church hall? Feel free to ask your audience what they want to hear. A simple question along the lines of “What kind of list would you like to see?” will suffice. Make sure your list appeals to your audience. People who eat food from a packet in public probably won’t be interested in fashion or fitness, for example.
7. Publish your list. Don’t be scared by the word publish! You don’t need a book-deal to publish your list (although God knows it helps!) Some people pin their lists to a window of a local shop, others put them on a Blog on an Internet. Once you’ve done it once, it will be much easier in the future, like drink-driving.
8. Try not to preach. Nobody likes somebody telling them what to do and what not to do. Helpful suggestions are more warmly received than instructions. You should not write in red ink, you should not WRITE IN CAPS. You should not write in any foreign languages, which are largely wrong, and you SHOULD accept God into your life if you don’t want to end up in the fiery depths of hell.
9. Welcome feedback. Your list might be great, but it could be greater. You should welcome constructive criticism from friends and local dignitaries. Some people who will be happy to give you feedback on your list include your mother, the local football coach, the man who delivers the milk and the librarian. People who will be less willing to give feedback are other list-writers and politicians. They are far too busy.
10. Do not run out of things to say …

So there you go! Happy list-writing and don’t hesitate to leave your comments! We’d love to hear from you!

The list-happy crowd at Eurojism!