It’s Friday afternoon and that melancholy feeling is welling over me again, a time for introspection and self-evaluation.

My mind often turns towards the various sexual encounters I have had with famous people over the past four decades. People like Dame Judi Dench, Paul Wolfowitz and Floella Benjamin.

Here’s my top five:

Kofi Annan - a gentle, considerate lover. Doesn’t like to go on top. Post-coital conversations revolve around important issues of world politics and nuclear disarmament. Well-hung.
Faria Alam - famous for being somebody else’s lover, surprisingly discrete. Details of our affair never hit the headlines. She did this wonderful thing where she hummed the theme tune to Match of the Day whilst slowly removing her socks. We didn’t last long. The pressures of tabloid attention got in the way.
Tracey Emin - if you look very carefully inside Tracey’s famous tent “Everyone I Have Ever Slept With”, you’ll see my name sewn into the inside seam. Tracey and I never got beyond the heavy-petting stage. A real tease.
Michael Fish - quite possibly the most selfish, chauvinistic and brutal lover I have ever known. Michael, famous for his colourful jumpers and inaccurate weather forecasts was like a sabre-toothed man-eating dominatrix between, on top of, and under the sheets.
Sarah, Duchess of York - what to say? Collar and cuffs. Knows her stuff. I couldn’t get enough. Hammer time!

Who are your favourite celebrity bunk-ups? Answers on a postcard to the usual address …