Going on holiday to Germany? Perhaps a weekend in Neu-schwanz-stein? Or the Oktoberfest in Munich? You don’t speak a word of German and afraid you might inadvertently end up at a bottom slapping party or one of their crazy book-burnings?

Eurojism is a BIG FAN of  Miss Verständnis, she is one HOT Antipodean. Boy, would we like to play hide the schnitzel with her! You’ll probably want to as well, so let’s crack on …

Don’t speak a word of Deutsch? Never fear! Eurojism is here with a helpful guide to speaking German like a native …

In the hotel

Can you sort me out with a hooker, dear concierge?
Ich will ein Frau für Fucken, bitte.

I shat all over my bedsheets.
Ich shatte alle über meine BettShitten, bitte.

She was dead when I got here.
Sie war Deaden wann ich Angekommen hier, mein Hair.

At the train station

Where might I procure a gypsy child as a domestic employee? Are they cheaper than at home?
Wo kann Ich ein Gypsy Kind kaufen, bitte? Sind Sie billiger als back Hause?

One way to Auschwitz please.
Mazel Tov, bitte

Do I need an extra ticket for my sausage?
Muss ich ein Extraticket für mein Würst kaufen?

In the restaurant

My sausage was decidedly under-par, can I speak to the manager?
Mein Würst was Scheisse. Kann ich sprechen mit der Gauleiter?

Does the waitress do “special favours”?
Kann ich der Waitress fucken?

The bill, please.
Polizei, bitte.

And there we go! Tune in next week for “How to speak French in ten minutes”!

Bis bald!