Liechtenstein has had some bad press lately. It turns out the nation of foxes contained a rat and now the Germans are running scared. Along with the Russians. And possibly a Frenchman. The English are not bothered. They are not keen on foxes.

I was invited to advise the Crown Prince of Liechtenstein on new banking secrecy measures to protect the principality’s key assets. Although my recommendations are bound my a non-disclosure clause, I’ll be breaking no state secrets by mentioning the following highlights:

• All visitors to the country should be blindfolded and driven around in cars with darkened windows, taking circuitous routes to get between popular destinations
• All Liechtensteiners to be kept in a large box. Access to the outside world allowed only on Mondays and Thursdays, and then through the intermediary of the chief of the secret police, if he’s not off whoring.
• Access to bank accounts to be limited to East Europeans with firearm licenses and mustaches.
• Conversations should begin with the words “The weather is cool in Stalingrad at this time of year”. The correct answer to this statement is a state secret, kept in a safety deposit box in the vaults of the national bank. Any failure to provide a correct answer will result in immediate blood-testing to check for the presence of sauerkraut and beer.
• All bank accounts to be numbered instead of named, and all numbers should include at least sixty seven individual digits.

The Crown Prince was, I’m happy to say, keen to adopt my suggestions and has granted me franchising rights to an affiliate referral scheme. If you are interested in opening a bank account in the newly-once-again-secure state of Lichtenstein, get in touch at the usual address. All correspondence should be marked “Top Secret Bank Account Opening Request”.