Starbucks has been ordered to pay ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS in tips to its staff. The story, a EUROJISM EXCLUSIVE via the BBC is this week’s BREAKING NEWS.

It reminds me of the time I slipped an escort a tip of $500. I wouldn’t have minded, only later in the evening she slipped me a Mickey Finn and took off with my credit card, racking up debts of over $6000 dollars on crack cocaine and soft furnishings. I never knew you could buy crack with a credit card.

I used to work as a barman and would regularly supplement my meagre income with healthy tips. The best tippers were the old men who got so drunk they’d fall asleep at the bar, allowing us to rifle through their pockets and take whatever they had. On a good night we could be up a few hundred. And that’s before we raided the till at the end of the night. Not ringing in drinks could be profitable as well.

I always tip. I only regret the time I tried to tip a policeman to forget a little misdemeanour. That got me five months. No use for tips in the slammer. The currency inside is cigarettes and blow-jobs.

The moral of this story? Don’t drink coffee in Starbucks!

Until next time! Happy Easter!