IF all you have done is stand in the cold all night, looking menacing, not letting black kids in the front door, scowling and Fucking About, I AM NOT GOING TO PAY you for the luxury of leaving your club. I’ve already paid five times Zimbabwean inflation for a fucking vodka tonic and paid again each time I’ve wanted to go for a piss so YOU’RE not getting a greased palm for standing around with your bad attitude like a malevolent troglodyte door-monkey.

Belgians love their dogs. They let their dogs do what they want. Brussels is a temple to dogshit.

But what’s wrong with this picture?

The grass.

Brussels doesn’t have this much grass.