A poem by Bebop McCluskey, aged 27.42

Richard Quest, my favourite anchor
Turned out to be a bit of a wanker
But I forgive you, it’s not nice
To be victimized ‘cos you liked your ice.

You had a rope tied round your cock
And round your neck, but what bad luck
To be caught in a park when it was closed
Bet you wish you’d stayed at home.

Richard Quest, you made my day
So much better, in your own gay way
You were flamboyant, but never too cool
Like the geek in the corner when I was at school.

Richard Quest, can you lend me some money?
I want to go whoring and need some drugs.

So there we go! That’s all from Bebop McCluskey this week!

Just remember, in the words of Richard Quest himself “let’s face it a visit to NY is always electric. I can hear the NY Tourism people almost clapping with joy.”

It’s Friday afternoon and that melancholy feeling is welling over me again, a time for introspection and self-evaluation.

My mind often turns towards the various sexual encounters I have had with famous people over the past four decades. People like Dame Judi Dench, Paul Wolfowitz and Floella Benjamin.

Here’s my top five:

Kofi Annan - a gentle, considerate lover. Doesn’t like to go on top. Post-coital conversations revolve around important issues of world politics and nuclear disarmament. Well-hung.
Faria Alam - famous for being somebody else’s lover, surprisingly discrete. Details of our affair never hit the headlines. She did this wonderful thing where she hummed the theme tune to Match of the Day whilst slowly removing her socks. We didn’t last long. The pressures of tabloid attention got in the way.
Tracey Emin - if you look very carefully inside Tracey’s famous tent “Everyone I Have Ever Slept With”, you’ll see my name sewn into the inside seam. Tracey and I never got beyond the heavy-petting stage. A real tease.
Michael Fish - quite possibly the most selfish, chauvinistic and brutal lover I have ever known. Michael, famous for his colourful jumpers and inaccurate weather forecasts was like a sabre-toothed man-eating dominatrix between, on top of, and under the sheets.
Sarah, Duchess of York - what to say? Collar and cuffs. Knows her stuff. I couldn’t get enough. Hammer time!

Who are your favourite celebrity bunk-ups? Answers on a postcard to the usual address …

A reader writes:

“I was out shopping with my Mum in Kensington High Street and I felt somebody tugging insistently at my bag. When I looked carefully at the blonde girl, it was none other than Gemma Bissix, from BBC’s Eastenders! She took off it with it. I chased after her but she was far too quick and she got away with my whole bag, including its contents. I was gutted”

WHAT? GEMMA BISSIX, who plays Clare Bates in Eastenders and started her acting career at a young age? Has she already gone off the rails, so soon after refinding her feet in the less-than-murky world of popular BBC prime-time dramas?

It would seem that the sad answer is YES NO. Take a look at the CCTV image above, and tell me if I’m wrong …

Metropolitan Police were today unavailable for comment, but they did insist that they would take any accusations of theft, even by pretty girls, extremely seriously.

It’s a very sad day indeed when famous and loved soap-stars turn to petty crime to feed their appetite for cheap thrills.

I AM SO PROUD I WIL WRITE IN CAPS LOL

LEONA LEWIS (see prvs Post) equals CLOSEST match to Bleeding Bumholes …

CLICK pic for THE PROOF …

Dirty Dawg.