How long has it been since you last had some “cyber”? Perhaps you’re feeling out of practice? Never fear! Eurojism is here to show you how to have great, safe time on the internet chat room with this handy cut-out-and-keep guide.

Below are some stock phrases that you should use when asked to join in on some “sexy-time”:

• I’m rubbing brasso all over my donkey hole.
• I’m having a crap as I write this.
• I’ve got three fingers stuck in an open wound on my left thigh and I’m snorting a mixture of petrol and sherbert.
• I’ve sunk three Viagra and half a bottle of washing up liquid. I’m puking bubbles etc etc …
• My Filipina nurse has left the kitchen door open and there’s a sexy draught.
• Do you speak to your mother with those fingers?
• How much for ten-minutes standing up?
• My armpit has never been so smooth … or RADIANT!
• Mmm … lick my teeth. No, not the incisor, the molar.
• I have a small mole on my cock. Can you call pest control?

There we go! Have a fun sexy and SAFE time! I’d love to hear your suggestions! Leave them in the comments below …

Tarata for now!

Following the great success of our previous list to make lists, which got Stumbled, Dugg, Twittered (?) and Delicioused (???), time is nigh and high for the next in our Blogging 101 series: How to write a how-to post.

How-to articles are the vertebra of the internet, the backbone of the worldwide web and the exoskeleton of what’s inside them. But we all know how difficult it is to write a “how-to”.

Here are my five handy hints for all aspiring how-to authors:

1. Write about what you know. A certain level of expertise is required if you’re going to expound your ideas to the public. Six years of post-secondary education is the bare minimum. If you are the kind of person who wears jogging pants as casual wear, you don’t qualify, unless you’re writing “how to neglect your personal hygiene for idiots.”
2. Don’t assume any prior knowledge. Your reader is, most likely, not the sharpest spanner in the spanner-pot. You can pretty much take it for granted that whatever your level of knowledge (because you’ll all ignore point one above), they will know less than you. You’ve got to take it back to beginning, or you’ll be slapped with lawsuits when they get bitten trying to milk their dogs (there’s a knack, you know …)
3. Pictures are helpful. Diagrams are good not only for the illiterate, but they’re helpful for the bored, the lazy, the juvenile and the technically incompetent, not to mention the dyslexics. They can also make life easier on the eye. It is a truth universally acknowledged that most blog posts are read in under 20 seconds. Pictures make people hang around. Upskirt photos of celebrity beaver make people hang around even longer.
4. Post your “how-to” in the appropriate spot. Perhaps you have a “Web Blog” where you can post your how-to article. What a wonderful idea! Posting a “how-to” “article” on a “Web Blog” will attract visitors from “all” around the world. This is especially the case if you’re writing about something that people “all” around the “world” are interested in. “How to deal with parish politics”, “How to monitor equitable feudalism” and “How to do a Chinese Burn” are such topics that will have universal appeal. They must be published on an internet “Web Blog” that can be translated into at least three languages. OR IT WON’T EVER WORK. Another possibility is to write a letter to your local newspaper or the Economist. Ask for Dave.
5. Sit back and watch the money roll in! There are few jobs as satisfying as teaching, and writing “How-to” articles is an extension of that. It’s also incredibly well paid, especially if you can syndicate your material through an affiliate scheme or television program. Just remember me when you’re sipping your Mojito in Panama while a nubile young slut polishes your wand!

That’s all for now. Got any comments? Feel free to leave them below!

The Web loves lists! So do we! So does the Problogger himself.

But we know how difficult it can be get started on your first list. Taking the plunge can be difficult.

Never fear! We’re here to help! Keep this handy guide to making lists handy. You might even print it off and put it in your pocket!?

Top Ten How to Write a Top Ten Lists List

1. Count up or count down? Decide whether you’re going to count down from ten or up from one. If you have trouble, the numbers are in the following order: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Reverse them for a countdown. You’ll see that I’ve chosen to go up from one, but you can do whatever you like.
2. Choose some content. This will make or break your list. As the saying goes, “lists without content are little more than numbers”. Once you have written the numbers down, decide what you’re going to put next to them. Words? Pictures? Suggestions? Video? I would not advise numbers, unless it’s a list of say, telephone numbers.
3. That’s two decisions made already, so we can move directly onto number four.
4. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Making a list isn’t the be-all and end-all. Sure, there are lots of really successful list-makers out there, but some of them don’t sleep, or have strained relationships with their partners. I know of one famous list-maker who hasn’t seen his children for four years. Remember: everything in moderation.
5. Is your list useful? Today’s internet users are a savvy lot. Is your list going to be useful? Or at least distracting. My golden rule of thumb is the following: “If you can’t eat it, wash with it, sell it, buy it, train it or find it, it’s just not worth making into a list.” How-To guides are very trendy at the moment. But everything comes in and out of fashion. Remember when we used to dance to Gary Glitter.
6. Who is your target audience? Examples of audiences include warm audiences, cold audiences, audiences that are eager to learn and audiences that know it all. Are you playing to a stadium or a church hall? Feel free to ask your audience what they want to hear. A simple question along the lines of “What kind of list would you like to see?” will suffice. Make sure your list appeals to your audience. People who eat food from a packet in public probably won’t be interested in fashion or fitness, for example.
7. Publish your list. Don’t be scared by the word publish! You don’t need a book-deal to publish your list (although God knows it helps!) Some people pin their lists to a window of a local shop, others put them on a Blog on an Internet. Once you’ve done it once, it will be much easier in the future, like drink-driving.
8. Try not to preach. Nobody likes somebody telling them what to do and what not to do. Helpful suggestions are more warmly received than instructions. You should not write in red ink, you should not WRITE IN CAPS. You should not write in any foreign languages, which are largely wrong, and you SHOULD accept God into your life if you don’t want to end up in the fiery depths of hell.
9. Welcome feedback. Your list might be great, but it could be greater. You should welcome constructive criticism from friends and local dignitaries. Some people who will be happy to give you feedback on your list include your mother, the local football coach, the man who delivers the milk and the librarian. People who will be less willing to give feedback are other list-writers and politicians. They are far too busy.
10. Do not run out of things to say …

So there you go! Happy list-writing and don’t hesitate to leave your comments! We’d love to hear from you!

The list-happy crowd at Eurojism!