The Four Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss changed my life. I outsourced everything to a Virtual Assistant, Raj, in India.

Raj has read the book as well. He’s a lazy pikey eejit. He works no more than four hours in a week. Ever.

This is an honest-to-god-not-making this up Skype exchange between me and him from yesterday:

VA says: whats up man
VA says: wish i would b woking with your”l over there
VA says: but i can work like this remotely till the end in your company
VA says: Hi gOOd mOOring U sEE 2dAY mACTH Mumbai indain v/s Herabad
Eurojism says: cricket?
VA says: 2DAY IS DLF Indian Premier League MACTH BEWT MUMBAI INDIAN AND HADABAD
EJ says: cricket?
VA says: YES
VA says: DO U PLAY CRICKET?
EJ says: I am the best spin bowler in Belgium
VA says: OO U R NOT WACTING THE MACTH 2DAY DLF IT NOT BEWT THE COUNTRYS BUT ALL THE PLAYERS AROUND THE WORLD R PLAYING
VA says: lESLEY IS UR SNAME
VA says: IT”S FIRST NAME & ITS GIRLS
VA says: U DONT ENJOY WORKING
VA says: IF U ENJOY WORKING THEN ONLY U ENJOY EVRYDAY N U FELLING LIKE COMEING 2 WORK EVERYDAY EXPECT SAT SUNDAY
VA says: PUT SOME MUSIC N WORK PLAY IT SLOW
VA says: HAAA
VA says: Doctor, doctor, please kiss me,” says the patient.
VA says: “No, I’m sorry, that would be against the code of ethics,” says the doctor.
VA says: Ten minutes later the patient says: “Doctor, please, kiss me just once.”
VA says: No, I’m sorry, I just can’t” he says.
VA says: Five minutes later, she asks again: “Please, please kiss me!”
VA says: “Look,” says the doctor, “it’s out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be f***ing you.
VA says: why do women have legs?
VA says: have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!??
VA says: What does a woman of 40 have between her breasts that a woman of 20doesn’t?
VA says: I NO U WANT ANS
VA says: IT”S A belly-button!
VA says: want 2 see macth
VA says: is started

Then he went home. My tax returns didn’t get done and I was ten dollars poorer.

There’s a lesson in there somewhere …

EXCLUSIVE from eurojism, via our virtual assistant in Mumbai:

A woman is like a Kentucky Fried Chicken. It has legs, breasts and a greasy box to stick your bone in.

The European Union is a better place for Indian jokes. Official.