Alan Sugar is back with a bunch of kids playing at being grown-ups and adhering to the age-old adage that people buy from people they find either slightly annoying, or downright unpleasant.

In the blogosphere:

His trusted sidekicks - the blessed Nick and Margaret - are already looking a little glum at the prospect of sharing so much time with this gaggle of egomaniacs - from Groves Media

I want to be remembered as the stylish one who wore sunglasses and a Saville Row three piece suit - from the BBC

Raef in particular decided to immediately stick his neck out in order to display to his fellow players that he was the peacock alpha-twat of the group - from Watch with Mothers

Every single one of the candidates is a fool - from Kawedashti.com

Did the contestants look out of plaice? Will the competition prove a bream come true? - from Tutor2U.net

the only thing I want to know is whether or not team leader Alex Wotherspoon is Jason Orange’s long lost brother? - from Unreality TV

I will watch the coming exploitative, lowest common denominator, ill-informed series for research reasons only - from the Social Work Blog

Peacock Alpha Twat indeed.

A reader writes:

“I was out shopping with my Mum in Kensington High Street and I felt somebody tugging insistently at my bag. When I looked carefully at the blonde girl, it was none other than Gemma Bissix, from BBC’s Eastenders! She took off it with it. I chased after her but she was far too quick and she got away with my whole bag, including its contents. I was gutted”

WHAT? GEMMA BISSIX, who plays Clare Bates in Eastenders and started her acting career at a young age? Has she already gone off the rails, so soon after refinding her feet in the less-than-murky world of popular BBC prime-time dramas?

It would seem that the sad answer is YES NO. Take a look at the CCTV image above, and tell me if I’m wrong …

Metropolitan Police were today unavailable for comment, but they did insist that they would take any accusations of theft, even by pretty girls, extremely seriously.

It’s a very sad day indeed when famous and loved soap-stars turn to petty crime to feed their appetite for cheap thrills.

Eastenders has been the backdrop to my childhood, adulthood and old age. Dirty Den, Nigel, Dot Cotton … the list is (almost) endless. There are others.

The greatest ten seven scenes from Eastenders of all time:

• When Jesse turns to Billy in the Queen Vic and says “Don’t be a pratt all your life”. This quick one-liner had me and my flatmate, Robin, laughing for literally three or four minutes. It was a special moment I won’t forget.
• When Dot quotes the Scriptures. I love Dot and I love the Scriptures! What a great combination! My favourite verse from the Bible is the bit that rhymes in Psalms. She does it so well. Always a special moment I’ll never forget.
• When Mo sells some dodgy goods and then has to go around Albert Square and various other locations in Walford to retrieve them, encountering assorted obstacles and difficulties along the way. My, how we (me, my mother and my aunt Dot (no relation)) laughed at the farcical and unlikely nature of the whole episode!
• When Ian Beale thinks he’s being chatted up by a gay man. It’s funny because it’s true! LOL! ROFL! OMFG!
• When Stacey married a ginger. It’s funny because it’s true! What a special moment! OMG HAHAHA!! POS!!
• When Frank screamed “I LOVE YOU PAT” into the pouring rain. It was especially poignant because I had forgotten my umbrella that day, like countless residents of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and former colonial territories and other international locations where Eastenders is broadcast. A clever piece of writing guaranteed to invoke empathy at the bathetic finale.
• When Charlene married Scott Robinson. And proved that the battle with serious illness can be won with make-up and a good editor.

What are your favourite moments? Discuss them in the comments. No prizes, though!

Pratt of the week.  

“A man who planned to walk from Bristol to India without any money has quit, after getting as far as Calais, France.”

Hippy barnacled freelove dropout drops out of stroll cross-country. For his own good as well as everyone else’s.

Mark Boyle, 28, who set out four weeks ago with only T-shirts, a bandage and sandals, hoped to rely on the kindness of strangers for food and lodging.

But, because he could not speak French, people thought he was free-loading or an asylum seeker.

The whole sad, sorry story …