Introducing “Doing Things”, because “Getting Things Done” is too complicated by three quarters.

Do you find the pressures of Getting Things Done too stressful?

Eurojism has the answer! Compare these two graphs.

The version on the left is “Getting Things Done“. Difficult, huh? No wonder we’re so bad at Getting Things Done if that’s the official way of doing stuff.

The much improved version on the left is “Doing Things” (patent pending) and it will revolutionize the way we do things.

Doing Things can be broken down into two simple steps, as outlined below. But I’m not going to let all the secrets go just yet! I’m preparing a 320-page book and some of you, even many of you, will be forking out up to 25 dollars to buy it.

The introduction of Doing Things will represent not only a paradigm shift in productivity and “getting-to-done” thinking, but it will boost sales of Moleskine notebooks and index cards higher than even during the last three years.

Eurojism is launching a Doing Things University where life coaches and professional trainers can polish their credentials. The book will be launched in the fall.

To be put on the mailing list, send an email to eurojism AT gmail DOT com. There’ll be plenty of franchising opportunities. Rumors abound that Lifehacker, Lifehack, LifeClever, LifeDev, Life Optimizer and The Growing Life will be running articles on this in the very near future.

Following the great success of our previous list to make lists, which got Stumbled, Dugg, Twittered (?) and Delicioused (???), time is nigh and high for the next in our Blogging 101 series: How to write a how-to post.

How-to articles are the vertebra of the internet, the backbone of the worldwide web and the exoskeleton of what’s inside them. But we all know how difficult it is to write a “how-to”.

Here are my five handy hints for all aspiring how-to authors:

1. Write about what you know. A certain level of expertise is required if you’re going to expound your ideas to the public. Six years of post-secondary education is the bare minimum. If you are the kind of person who wears jogging pants as casual wear, you don’t qualify, unless you’re writing “how to neglect your personal hygiene for idiots.”
2. Don’t assume any prior knowledge. Your reader is, most likely, not the sharpest spanner in the spanner-pot. You can pretty much take it for granted that whatever your level of knowledge (because you’ll all ignore point one above), they will know less than you. You’ve got to take it back to beginning, or you’ll be slapped with lawsuits when they get bitten trying to milk their dogs (there’s a knack, you know …)
3. Pictures are helpful. Diagrams are good not only for the illiterate, but they’re helpful for the bored, the lazy, the juvenile and the technically incompetent, not to mention the dyslexics. They can also make life easier on the eye. It is a truth universally acknowledged that most blog posts are read in under 20 seconds. Pictures make people hang around. Upskirt photos of celebrity beaver make people hang around even longer.
4. Post your “how-to” in the appropriate spot. Perhaps you have a “Web Blog” where you can post your how-to article. What a wonderful idea! Posting a “how-to” “article” on a “Web Blog” will attract visitors from “all” around the world. This is especially the case if you’re writing about something that people “all” around the “world” are interested in. “How to deal with parish politics”, “How to monitor equitable feudalism” and “How to do a Chinese Burn” are such topics that will have universal appeal. They must be published on an internet “Web Blog” that can be translated into at least three languages. OR IT WON’T EVER WORK. Another possibility is to write a letter to your local newspaper or the Economist. Ask for Dave.
5. Sit back and watch the money roll in! There are few jobs as satisfying as teaching, and writing “How-to” articles is an extension of that. It’s also incredibly well paid, especially if you can syndicate your material through an affiliate scheme or television program. Just remember me when you’re sipping your Mojito in Panama while a nubile young slut polishes your wand!

That’s all for now. Got any comments? Feel free to leave them below!

The Web loves lists! So do we! So does the Problogger himself.

But we know how difficult it can be get started on your first list. Taking the plunge can be difficult.

Never fear! We’re here to help! Keep this handy guide to making lists handy. You might even print it off and put it in your pocket!?

Top Ten How to Write a Top Ten Lists List

1. Count up or count down? Decide whether you’re going to count down from ten or up from one. If you have trouble, the numbers are in the following order: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Reverse them for a countdown. You’ll see that I’ve chosen to go up from one, but you can do whatever you like.
2. Choose some content. This will make or break your list. As the saying goes, “lists without content are little more than numbers”. Once you have written the numbers down, decide what you’re going to put next to them. Words? Pictures? Suggestions? Video? I would not advise numbers, unless it’s a list of say, telephone numbers.
3. That’s two decisions made already, so we can move directly onto number four.
4. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Making a list isn’t the be-all and end-all. Sure, there are lots of really successful list-makers out there, but some of them don’t sleep, or have strained relationships with their partners. I know of one famous list-maker who hasn’t seen his children for four years. Remember: everything in moderation.
5. Is your list useful? Today’s internet users are a savvy lot. Is your list going to be useful? Or at least distracting. My golden rule of thumb is the following: “If you can’t eat it, wash with it, sell it, buy it, train it or find it, it’s just not worth making into a list.” How-To guides are very trendy at the moment. But everything comes in and out of fashion. Remember when we used to dance to Gary Glitter.
6. Who is your target audience? Examples of audiences include warm audiences, cold audiences, audiences that are eager to learn and audiences that know it all. Are you playing to a stadium or a church hall? Feel free to ask your audience what they want to hear. A simple question along the lines of “What kind of list would you like to see?” will suffice. Make sure your list appeals to your audience. People who eat food from a packet in public probably won’t be interested in fashion or fitness, for example.
7. Publish your list. Don’t be scared by the word publish! You don’t need a book-deal to publish your list (although God knows it helps!) Some people pin their lists to a window of a local shop, others put them on a Blog on an Internet. Once you’ve done it once, it will be much easier in the future, like drink-driving.
8. Try not to preach. Nobody likes somebody telling them what to do and what not to do. Helpful suggestions are more warmly received than instructions. You should not write in red ink, you should not WRITE IN CAPS. You should not write in any foreign languages, which are largely wrong, and you SHOULD accept God into your life if you don’t want to end up in the fiery depths of hell.
9. Welcome feedback. Your list might be great, but it could be greater. You should welcome constructive criticism from friends and local dignitaries. Some people who will be happy to give you feedback on your list include your mother, the local football coach, the man who delivers the milk and the librarian. People who will be less willing to give feedback are other list-writers and politicians. They are far too busy.
10. Do not run out of things to say …

So there you go! Happy list-writing and don’t hesitate to leave your comments! We’d love to hear from you!

The list-happy crowd at Eurojism!

… or how I’m about to make $30bn.

How much is Facebook worth? I suppose it depends on who’s buying? The CIA get their info for free … mortals like you and me, but not like Chuck Norris, probably couldn’t afford it, and if we could, what would we do with it?

Facebook is apparently valued at around $10bn. That’s an awful lot of green.

So, never one to miss a trick, Eurojism has registered the following domains:

www.clungebook.com
www.mingebook.com
www.flangebook.com

… and is on the way to making a sweet $30bn. If you’re interested, send an email to eurojism AT gmail DOT com and we’ll start negotiations

EXCLUSIVE from eurojism, via our virtual assistant in Mumbai:

A woman is like a Kentucky Fried Chicken. It has legs, breasts and a greasy box to stick your bone in.

The European Union is a better place for Indian jokes. Official.

Alan Sugar is back with a bunch of kids playing at being grown-ups and adhering to the age-old adage that people buy from people they find either slightly annoying, or downright unpleasant.

In the blogosphere:

His trusted sidekicks - the blessed Nick and Margaret - are already looking a little glum at the prospect of sharing so much time with this gaggle of egomaniacs - from Groves Media

I want to be remembered as the stylish one who wore sunglasses and a Saville Row three piece suit - from the BBC

Raef in particular decided to immediately stick his neck out in order to display to his fellow players that he was the peacock alpha-twat of the group - from Watch with Mothers

Every single one of the candidates is a fool - from Kawedashti.com

Did the contestants look out of plaice? Will the competition prove a bream come true? - from Tutor2U.net

the only thing I want to know is whether or not team leader Alex Wotherspoon is Jason Orange’s long lost brother? - from Unreality TV

I will watch the coming exploitative, lowest common denominator, ill-informed series for research reasons only - from the Social Work Blog

Peacock Alpha Twat indeed.

When you’re wetting your whistle at the Dog and Duck and it’s time to come up with some entertainment to distract you from Kevin, who’s getting frisky with the fruit machine, it’s time to become QUIZMASTER!

This week’s questions have come from the Tuesday night QUIZTACULAR Old Soak in Sopworth!

Part 1 - Television

Q. In Eastenders, what is the name of the woman with the big hair?
A. Pat, or Peggy. Dawn? Jennifer.

Q. What is the Question of Sport?
A. Whether there is ethical doping. Or who won the cup?

Q. In the famous television drama cum sitcom “Gavin and Stacey”, what are the names of the two protagonists?
A. What is a protagonist?

Q. Name one television miniseries that is based on classical literature.
A. (Answers may be any of the following: Flying Doctors, All Creatures Great and Small, Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em or Spooks.)

Q. Blue Peter is the name of a popular children’s television show?
A. Correct.

Continue Reading »
Wednesday Pub Quiz!

Starbucks has been ordered to pay ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS in tips to its staff. The story, a EUROJISM EXCLUSIVE via the BBC is this week’s BREAKING NEWS.

It reminds me of the time I slipped an escort a tip of $500. I wouldn’t have minded, only later in the evening she slipped me a Mickey Finn and took off with my credit card, racking up debts of over $6000 dollars on crack cocaine and soft furnishings. I never knew you could buy crack with a credit card.

I used to work as a barman and would regularly supplement my meagre income with healthy tips. The best tippers were the old men who got so drunk they’d fall asleep at the bar, allowing us to rifle through their pockets and take whatever they had. On a good night we could be up a few hundred. And that’s before we raided the till at the end of the night. Not ringing in drinks could be profitable as well.

I always tip. I only regret the time I tried to tip a policeman to forget a little misdemeanour. That got me five months. No use for tips in the slammer. The currency inside is cigarettes and blow-jobs.

The moral of this story? Don’t drink coffee in Starbucks!

Until next time! Happy Easter!